The Necropants

Cassidy McFadzean

The pair of skin slacks was well hung,
in want of a sorcerer to wear them.
Like pantyhose of moulded silicon,
two legs stood behind glass— but
the fabric was crafted of epidermis,

covered in hosiery runs of hair that ran
their length, the skin still malleable,
as if loosened from the flesh, tugged
and sewn—Widely rumoured, rarely
known, we knelt before the Necropants!

Stitching a pair was a strenuous task
for even powerful magicians to perform.
Though the nabroks described in ancient
grimoires, a paranormal Cliffs Notes,
were passed down such enchanting hands

that most of the island’s curious travellers
had heard of the tool to make gold grow.
We know the sorcerer who wishes to wear
this eerie disguise must first make a pact
with a living man’s lower limbs and lap,

but what depraved mind would sanction
any old sorcerer to dig up his corpse?
He must flay it from the waist down,
careful as he cuts not to make holes
or scratches, keeping the trousers intact

from feet to waist band. This twisted
mind, once stripped of his earthly groin,
must then allow, in further desecration,
some wizard to prance around wearing
his legs, so that they become his own.

Have I not told you how my brother
once pranced in a kitchen in another’s
jeans, making a mockery of fool’s garb?
We laughed at his pacing as he clutched
the oversized ankle cuffs and contorted.

What soul, may I ask, could lie in rest
while knowing another wore his skin?
And what’s worse, the sorcerer’s work
was not yet finished. He must steal a coin
from a poor widow, either at Christmas,

or Easter, or Whitsun, and slip it—dare
I say—into the empty scrotum. The magic
is such that the Necropants will draw
coins from living souls, and his crotch
will never be empty when he scratched it.

One catch lets us stomach this perversion—
if the bountiful Necropants’ owner fails
to gift the pants away before his mortal
passing, his borrowed skin will crawl with lice.
He must drop his trousers before he dies.

And once a willing heir is identified,
this new pervert shall place his leg
into the right one before the sorcerer
steps out of the left. The task is done.
His crotch will keep on drawing cash.