Yesterday I got a job at a law firm downtown
where they gave me a corner office and a

six-figure salary and I hired an assistant so that I
don’t have to make any phone calls; I

hired a clerk so that I don’t have to write any e-mails.
I bought a high-rise apartment that rises

over Chicago. I do cocaine with the mayor
and I shoot holes in sports cars with a golden AK,

but poor me; I’ve gone soft. I’m now too scared
to shoplift even a single grocery.